So…as most of you know I just recently lost a child. It is definitely the most pain I’ve ever been in my entire life. It’s only been two months, since October 23, and yet it still feels like it was yesterday. I know that most people are saying little greeting card phrases like ‘take it day by day’, ‘only time will heal’, ‘You’re young! You will have another child’ and ‘everything happens the way it’s supposed to’ but it doesn’t help.
Honestly, I don’t know what will. If I did, I would share it with the world and every woman who is going through the grief of miscarriage would be healing and moving on with her life. Some days I don’t think about it, I coast through work and work hard in class. I draw, read and write and yet…it’s there in the back of my mind.
Earlier I stated that you never know how painful it will be until you go through it and that’s so true. I never thought that I would be this in love with a baby. I never thought that I would wake up every morning knowing I was going to be a mother and just smile. I never thought that I would miss my symptoms after they go away.
I often times find myself repeating “I just want my baby back” even though I know it’s completely impossible. I daydream of being misdiagnosed and still being pregnant. I spent time wondering what her kicks would’ve felt like. The other day, I even went as far as to look up how far long I would be and how big the baby would be. Yes, this is unhealthy and yes, I shouldn’t have done it but I needed to.
I wish I could say this post will end on a good note but it won’t. I’m going to continue with my life. I’m going to work hard and I’m going to finish school to be a stylist. I’m going to shovel books under my nose and write my new novel like crazy. I’m going to do all of this…and still grieve my child. I’d like to say it’s because I’m strong but I’d be lying. It’s because I have to. If I’m not going to be a mother than what am I? Who am I? I have to keep moving.
I was told that one of the healing ways is to get it out. To write about it and tell my story. I was told to reach out to others who’ve been in my situation and I’m trying but…it’s not like I know anyone in Orlando whose been through this. I understand that it would help to talk to someone who understands how I feel, to give me that extra support. My guy is super supportive. He loves me so much and I can tell that the miscarriage hit him too but we are stronger than before. I just wish that our strength didn’t come out of something so painful. I guess that’s life then.
Until next time
I actually got exactly what I was looking for in this movie. The powerful emotion, the pull and tug of inner toil and the chemistry between characters. There wasn’t much romance (which you know is my thing) but the small bit there satisfied me. The strong riff between father and child, both on the same side of the law, both with strangely impossible, different views of the justice system sold the story. I commend the director, David Dobkin, and the four writers that worked on this story.
It really touched me. It touches the heart strings. Makes you want to cry but then you don’t. Makes you want to laugh but then you just smile. The almost ‘wow’ factor that it holds is beautiful. Waiting to see what would happen next, the surety that I already know; then comes the confusion as to where it will actually end up. I hadn’t seen the preview in a while and when i decided to choose the movie in Redbox I thought, why not. I chose it, along with the last review’s movie and knew I’d watch it second. I’m glad I did. I don’t think I’d be prepared or willing to watch another movie after this one. I oddly felt a kindred connection with Hank. Not that I had some big hot shot college life style or that I turned out to be any semblance of a successful person but in his relationship with his parent.
I know that the reason they have these pulling-the-heart-strings movies and the reason they work so well is because there ARE people out there like you and me. Those of us who have struggled so hard to fit into a category planned by our parents or those of us who were trying to get out of it. These types of movies seem like some kind of telepathic retelling of our own childhoods turned twenty-something turned adulthood lives. We gravitate towards these types of movies thinking that in the end everything will come together just how we want our own lives to.
It’s true, none of those directors, writers, dreamers or sappy editors could say anything different. Outside of sex, completely relatable story lines for the average American human will work every single time. We stand in line, we wait and we watch. Then we cry or smile a little, wipe our faces and leave. In the end, when everything is going to hell we have a vision of how everything will work out or fix itself in some kind of rightful but also injustice type of way. Sounds contradictory but it is just how our minds work. Whether or not we are actually correct doesn’t matter. What matters is that the movie was great, I know feel emotional about my life and my relationship with that one parent or person and I am going to subtly tell all of my friends who seem to be struggling to see The Judge.
There you have it. I’m not sure what I can say as to what i actually mean for this movie. If I had a rating scale for my reviews it wouldn’t be on it. I’d say watch the movie, give me your thoughts. I’d love to hear if it touched you the way it touched me.
P.S. Casting did one of the best jobs ever pairing Robert Downey Jr. and Robert Duvall. They worked well together. I didn’t expect RD Jr to be any less like his Tony Stark character and now believe it’s firmly become apart of his actual personality (or is it the other way around?). Due to my many years of Law and Order I always knew it’d be exciting to see Vincent D’Onofrio, Detective Goren, again!