CNF: These Little Moments

Naomi won’t remember these late nights. Her crying. Me holding her close. Us intertwined in an exchange of energy. Her face resting on my chest, breathing in my exhales. 

She won’t remember the times I’ve cried, wondering if I am a good mother. Asking myself if I’ve made a mistake. If maybe it was selfish of me to bring her here. After so many tries. If I did this because I wanted to be a mom so bad I didn’t stop to think about how my past might seep through my pores and taint the light of her beautiful soul.

Naomi won’t remember the dance parties in the middle of the living room. Dad and I wiggling around like boneless chickens. Her doing that weird hua-hua-hua noise, bouncing up and down in a deep squat that will one day give her power quads. The music blaring from speakers she stares at with wonder and admiration. 

He and I talk about this on occasion. How these beautiful moments will one day fade into the back of our memory boxes, only thought of as “Do you remember that one time when…wait, how did it go?”

The way her small feet patter across the floor when she’s chasing after you. Trying to move faster than you so you don’t leave her behind. Two fingers stuck in her mouth, grinding on flesh and bone and creating calluses. 

She’ll never remember the days when I’m staying up late studying or sitting at my desk, as I am now, writing at 3:30 am. The partition I created from an old fashion board blocking her from the light from my computer, and the overhead bulbs. Noise-canceling headphones on my head, one pushed off an ear just in case she cries. My phone across the room playing Nature Sounds for Meditation and Sleeping. Artificial Rain. Soothing thunder. The knocking of Native American drums. 

Sometimes I wonder if it matters. If any of this matters. I wonder if in 5 years, 10 years, more years, I’ll care whether she remembers this time. Or if I want to pick and choose what she remembers.

Is it the best memories I want her to have? A mix of the best and the worst? Only the ones in which I’ve sacrificed? Those times when my guy gets home from working a double – exhausted – because he’s supporting his woman’s dreams while taking care of his family?

I also wonder if maybe it happens this way because these years are not about her remembering. These years are for us. My guy and I cuddling in bed, giggling, our knees touching, hands tickling. Whispering loudly, hoping to steal a few moments before the baby wakes up or goes to sleep or finishes her bottle. 

It would be interesting to find these moments are less about Naomi – seeing her parents as they were before they became the people who “always tell her what to do” – and more about me discovering the strength to stay up late to write my books, or study, or take exams because I want my days to be filled with baby giggles and walks. Or daddy, working doubles and coming home to hold her in his arms. Her dropping everything she’s doing to sprint across the room and throw something at him. This is her ‘hi, I’m so excited to see you, daddy. Here’s my favorite toy of the day’. 

I wonder if these small moments that remind us to hold on through the money troubles, or stay strong through a pandemic, or unite ahead frustrations are just for us. 

Now that this realization unfolds as I write this I feel a cathartic release. That I shouldn’t be so afraid or worried about what she’ll remember. That I’ll enjoy this just for us. And what will come; may. 

Book Review: His Lover’s Little Secret by Andrea Laurence

Hi! So I am actually glad that I dug into my boxes of books. I just recently moved into my new apartment and I brought maybe ten boxes of books with me. I have been collecting books ever since I was a young child. Yes, I say collecting because at first I would just buy books I couldn’t find in the libraries and then I realized…with the amount of books I have I could start my own library. That’s what I plan to do. I plan to start a library and have the ability to say I’ve read each and every one of them.

Oh yeah, so I dug into my boxes and found a few random gems. His Lover’s Little Secret was one of those gems. I read it while I was at work because it was on of the slowest days possible and the book isn’t a hard read nor is it very long. The characters written in the novel are so deep and complex. You wouldn’t think so if you were to judge it by the fact that it’s a Harlequin but it’s true. Gavin is definitely one of my favorite antagonist ever. He’s strong, matter of fact, put together but not necessarily controlling. Yes, as a CEO he spends a great deal bossing and giving orders but he’s such a sweetheart you forgive him. His true and honest love for his son is every girls true dream in a father for their child.

hisloverslittlesecret

When I read the back of the novel again, I was taken aback for a minute. The story plot is not uncommon and I half expected it to be one of those that irritate every nerve. I hate it when girls call a guy a deadbeat or not a good father but didn’t even tell him that he had a child. It really grinds my gears because they then spend the entire book making demands and statements like “you don’t deserve”, “prove to me…” and “he’s MY child”. It makes me want to reach into the pages, grab the woman by the neck and shake. Knock some sense into them and say “HE COULD’VE BEEN THERE FROM THE BEGINNING HAD YOU ONLY TOLD HIM!” Luckily, I didn’t have to do that this time. Of course, she spent the first few days trying to convince him she was right in not telling him but she redeemed herself by allowing him to be involved.

Andrea Laurence did a great job of bringing it full circle and making them very well rounded. I’M even in love with little Jared! Thanks!! Read to find out if this duo can get it together and how they survive a kidnapping! Love it!

Jade

Final Review: Princess’s Secret Baby (Possible spoiler?)

Hi!

So I’m not going to say that I exactly liked this book. It started off pretty good and following the plot from the synopsis but that about does it. I know that the MCF, Leila, is a princess but darn if the author didn’t make her too much of one. She has everything a stereotypical princess would have and yet, she wasn’t likable.Princess's Secret Baby

In the novel, she gets pregnant by the handsome James Chatsfield, MCM, and of course didn’t tell him she was a princess. That makes sense! Then she spends almost the rest of the book trying to make it seem like he’s a horrible person and she either can’t stand being around him or would never want their child to know him. She spends quite a bit of time trying to cut him out and “do things on her own” but instead of making her seem independent it just made her seem…bitchy. There were times in the story where I just wanted to say “OMG!!! Girl! Get it together!” On the other hand James is a very awesome character. Maybe that is the reason why she seems so bent out of shape.

“I’m going to raise my baby alone.” -Princess Leila

“OUR baby.” James Chatsfield

“I don’t need your help in this.” Princess Leila

“It’s not about what you need. It’s about what the baby needs.” James Chatsfield

The book also makes her stupid. She takes a fourteen (or ten?)year old  birth control pill the night she has sex for the first time, thinking that would keep her from getting pregnant. Later she claims she was on the pill and I’m screaming like…he doesn’t even know how old it was! She doesn’t know how to use a phone and also doesn’t know that he’d been sending her flowers since the night they met. (Where else would they come from? Why didn’t she read the card!?)

“Are you kidding me, Leila?” -James Chatsfield

“Kidding?” – Princess Leila

“You really don’t know how to use an outside line?” –  James Chatsfield

“I just press three and ask for my meals to be sent to me.” Princess Leila

In the end, all went well but I wasn’t really that satisfied; on to the next!

I’d definitely give this novel three stars!

Good Readance,

Jade