It’s been a while, I’ve had so much to do with school, writing, and a new baby. A busy life has allowed me to realize how messy my life is. I own thousands of books, boxes upon boxes of papers and old notebooks, purses I never use (especially with a baby, I basically use a fanny pack), books I’ll never read (not to be misconstrued with the books I’ve actually read and loved), and just miscellaneous objects that are just all over the place.
I’m sick of it. My true turning point came about a week ago. I have decided to get dread locs, that’s a story for another time, and I was up late at night and twisting my hair. My guy was tied up and asked me to grab Naomi because she was fussing. I thought I could grab her really quick and bring her into the master bed/bathroom area and I slipped on a pile of clothes by the bed. I almost cracked my head on the corner of the wall, with my little baby tight in my arms. I almost cried. Because of my messiness, my laziness really, I had almost seriously injured my daughter. Things had to change.
Before I decided to fully jump in, I cleaned my bedroom. *APPLAUSE* Thank you! Thank you! I folded all of my laundry (which also includes Naomi’s laundry and even a bit of Tony’s) and then I finished my hair. I had some TV show playing, as usual, but I couldn’t focus on it. The entire time I kept looking down at my tiny human, watching her wiggle about on her little mat. I wondered how I would feel if she had really gotten hurt because of my carelessness. What about upstairs? In the loft? She could eat something, pull down a messy bookshelf or find a needle from my crochet bag. Or in the dining room where there are exact-o knives and random piles of books and a paintbrush she could poke herself in the eye with. What about that? What about her own tiny area in our living room? She could have swallowed nonsense we tracked in on our shoes or pull down unsteady books from those shelves.
So I decided to change things. I have to get my life together.
It’s not just about the material things in my apartment. My mind is messy. I’m not sure how to be fully confident. I don’t know what to expect from myself. I’ve been through a lot over the last decade and I have packed myself so deep into the ‘strength’ box that now, when my dreams are coming true, I’m not sure how to measure myself.
All I know is that I can finish school, graduate school, and become a professor but can I?
All I know is that I can be a great mom to my little rainbow baby, Naomi, but can I?
All I know is that I’ve been a fantastic woman to my guy, Tony, but have I been?
What’s my truth? Am I the best I can be? Can I be better? Who am I now that I’m a mother? (They don’t tell you that you feel like a COMPLETELY different person after giving birth. Why don’t we talk about this?) Why can’t I just believe in myself? Why do I question things that I say I Believe with a capital B? I just don’t know the answers to these questions yet.
I demand to know the answer to these questions. I owe it to myself to find out. I owe it to my future self to find out. I also owe it to my guy and my daughter, who I hope to raise to love herself and trust herself.
31 Days of Introspection is all about changing my life. Not only do I want to embrace the Minimalist lifestyle, I want to find out who I am in this new role as a mom. I want to discover my true goals in life, not just the fanciful dreams I wish I could have. I want to go into 2020 with a clear head and plans for the new decade.
For the month of December 2019 I am going to take a hiatus from all my social media: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. I plan to write my thoughts every day in one of the journals I sell in my shop, TheElyzabethCo, meditate, and focus on getting my apartment together. I’ve created a schedule for my mediation that will help me answer those questions.
So it’s Dec. 1st and I’ve decided to use my Black TheElyzabethCo Journal. I love Black and thought why not use the grid page pattern. I’m also going to keep track of The Twitch (the times I itch to get on social media, etc) and so the grid pattern is perfect because I’m shading in a box for each time. Oh lord.
Stay tuned for the specific details regarding this month! I plan to upload them November 25th!
The photos I’ve included in this post are inspirations I pulled from Pinterest. I want my apt to be homey, with plants, comfy and exciting, but clean and decluttered. I want to focus on furniture that matches our style and isn’t just thrown together.