So…as most of you know I just recently lost a child. It is definitely the most pain I’ve ever been in my entire life. It’s only been two months, since October 23, and yet it still feels like it was yesterday. I know that most people are saying little greeting card phrases like ‘take it day by day’, ‘only time will heal’, ‘You’re young! You will have another child’ and ‘everything happens the way it’s supposed to’ but it doesn’t help.
Honestly, I don’t know what will. If I did, I would share it with the world and every woman who is going through the grief of miscarriage would be healing and moving on with her life. Some days I don’t think about it, I coast through work and work hard in class. I draw, read and write and yet…it’s there in the back of my mind.
Earlier I stated that you never know how painful it will be until you go through it and that’s so true. I never thought that I would be this in love with a baby. I never thought that I would wake up every morning knowing I was going to be a mother and just smile. I never thought that I would miss my symptoms after they go away.
I often times find myself repeating “I just want my baby back” even though I know it’s completely impossible. I daydream of being misdiagnosed and still being pregnant. I spent time wondering what her kicks would’ve felt like. The other day, I even went as far as to look up how far long I would be and how big the baby would be. Yes, this is unhealthy and yes, I shouldn’t have done it but I needed to.
I wish I could say this post will end on a good note but it won’t. I’m going to continue with my life. I’m going to work hard and I’m going to finish school to be a stylist. I’m going to shovel books under my nose and write my new novel like crazy. I’m going to do all of this…and still grieve my child. I’d like to say it’s because I’m strong but I’d be lying. It’s because I have to. If I’m not going to be a mother than what am I? Who am I? I have to keep moving.
I was told that one of the healing ways is to get it out. To write about it and tell my story. I was told to reach out to others who’ve been in my situation and I’m trying but…it’s not like I know anyone in Orlando whose been through this. I understand that it would help to talk to someone who understands how I feel, to give me that extra support. My guy is super supportive. He loves me so much and I can tell that the miscarriage hit him too but we are stronger than before. I just wish that our strength didn’t come out of something so painful. I guess that’s life then.
Until next time